Saturday, 9 April 2016

Hoping You are Still There

Hello Lovely Ladies.

I really have to give each and everyone of you a personal THANK YOU!

Yorksbutterfly- Wendy
Tracey Stitt
Maureen Killen
Lorraine JefferisRob!-Robyn
Ms Linda
June Smith
Lorraine McNeil
Lynn Dalby
Crafty Clare
Denise T
Mary- from Durham
Patricia Littlejohns
Maria Illsley
Jan from Long Island
'P' in Wales
Beth Queen
Angela UK
Pam Hackett
Wheelybad T and Billy x
Rose in Chester
Jane B
Sue Wilson
And my Voice over the past weeks- Stephanie Cotterill, aka- Boss, you've been fantastic.

Like you all, you didn't know what to say, and I feel the same now. Anything I say tonight will not be enough to express how much your wonderful thoughts, words & prayers have given us comfort, and I can only say a big heartfelt thank you to everyone of you.

We looked forward so much to our Granddaughters arrival and in no way imagined  Evie's arrival would be a "born sleeping birth".

We have had really sad days since Evie's birth, and Claire and Toby have needed all our strength. We have sobbed, got angry and such unbelievable feelings of disbelief that this has happened can't be put into words.

Claire, Paul & myself have spent many days in tears, visiting them both, and bless him, Toby, has remained so strong for us all. we are all concerned for him as he hasn't let all his feelings out yet.

On Mother's day they had to say goodbye to Evie, and Claire and Toby went home from the hospital with a vase of Daffodils from Evie saying "To mummy Happy mothers day, with Love from Evelyn XX". My heart broke for them, and I can't understand how they got through that day, as I went home with 2 healthy babies when I gave birth  and Claire and Toby went home without their little bundle of joy, just the little rabbit they had bought for her, and the books they had read to her.

They then had to wait for nearly 3 weeks to see Evie again after the autopsy. When they were told Evelyn was back with the funeral directors just down the road from them, they felt less anxious as in the past weeks they didn't know where their baby was. They went to see Evie everyday in the chapel of rest and held her, and told her how much they loved her and would always love her.

Evelyn's funeral was on the 31st March at 10.45am. Paul Craig & I arrived early and Paul went for a walk around the gardens and I stayed with Craig. Mum & Dad in- law  along with Toby's brother and fiance arrived shortly afterwards. 4 midwives from the hospital also came. Claire knew 2 were coming, but they were so in awe of Claire & Toby, they asked later if they could also come as they had also been at the birth of Evie.

My Claire Bear & Toby were amazing on the day we said goodnight to our beautiful baby girl. All the beautiful flowers that were sent were arranged around the glass table Evie was to be laid on. All the chairs were arranged so that we cuddled little Evie. we walked in behind Claire and Toby as they carried their little baby girl together in a tiny little white coffin, and the music they chose was (The Swan) by Camille Saint-Saens, from Swan Lake, the ballet that Claire & I went to in February, I was in pieces when I heard this piece of music. A memory Claire And I will always share.

Peter, the Lay Preacher was very emotional as he had spent time with Toby & Claire before the goodnight day. We had the greeting from Peter and then words from Claire and Toby.

Claire read her letter that she had written to Evelyn. It started from the day she took her pregnancy test, to the day she was born sleeping and all her feelings afterwards. I was so proud of her. She had lots of tearful pauses, but my goodness my girl did what she set out to do for Evelyn. I squeezed her hand so tight . Then Toby got up and read a most  heartbreaking poem. We all tried to be so strong for them, but we were all in pieces. These two beautiful people had just said goodnight to their stunningly beautiful daughter, and did it with such dignity, we were all so overwhelmed with love and pride for Claire & Toby

We then had a photo gallery of Evelyn and while these were being shown a Kris Kristofferson  song called "From here and to Forever". A Country and Western song they used to play and Evie moved a lot while it was playing when in mummy's tummy and also brought back memories of their honeymoon in Texas.  Evie seemed to enjoy Country music. A very moving moment. I can't put into words.

Then Peter ( Lay Preacher) read a poem, "I'm Always here"

Then to blow us all away, Claire & Toby found the strength to read a book together that they had read to Evie in bed after she was born called. "Guess How Much I Love you". Tears flowed in puddles, but they put every bit of strength they had together to make it a happy story. I cannot even now, weeks later say how proud I am of them both, and how beautifully they said goodnight to their baby girl and our beautiful little granddaughter Evelyn. They even had a miniature copy of the book made for everyone and was given to us to follow in the order of service and for a keepsake in Evelyn's memory.

We all went up and kissed our little Evie's sleeping cot and said our goodnight's, while the final song playing for Evelyn was HELLO by Adele.

Evelyn is now at home with Claire & Toby. They bought a teddy from the funeral directors, and Evie's ashes have been placed in the pocket at the back of the bear. It's such a cute bear too and is cuddled constantly.

We thought we would have wonderful news to share with you all. this is not how anyone would have imagined things would have turned out and I hope I never hear of anything so painful again.

Bare with me please, I am trying to finish the card I had started for Evie's arrival, but can't muster any enthusiasm. But Claire has said that Daffodils will always remind her of Evelyn. So I am redoing my Evie Card. I had made roses, but now I am making Daffodils. I hope you will allow me to share it with you soon.

Again. A Big, Big Heartfelt Thank You's from Claire, Toby, Myself , Paul & Craig

Tina XX

PS:- Myra, I feel so awful. Today I went back to make sure I had thanked everyone, only to see I had missed your name when turning the paper to carry on making the list of people to thank. Please forgive me , I would not have left you out intentionally, ever. x


  1. My prayers are with your entire family. I too lost an infant a long time ago. The pain is real and deep. Sending love across the miles.

  2. Hi Tina,

    So very, very moving, I have thought of all of you every day & each time my heart has broken for all of again. I can't begin to imagine the pain you all feel. All I can do is send more love, hugs and comfort. T xxx

    Billy sends his biggest big dog snuggles to you xxx

  3. Oh Tina reading your wonderful story today is bringing it all back when the same thing happened to us, it was 8 years and is still as raw today as it was then, I was with you all through every second of this painful time, through all these emotions that jump out at you at the most inappropriate time, but take comfort that you were all blessed with a beautiful gift even for such a very short time. The closeness you have with Claire and Toby and all your family will help, believe me, in the months and years to come.

    I am one of 2 sets of twins - only 1 year between us - and for many years we have all gone to St. Thomas's hospital in London to the Twin research unit to take part in many types of research. Both our little granddaughter and grandson had genetic problems which is why they did not survive and I take great comfort in knowing that I, along with my sisters, have contributed in providing information, samples and many other things which is helping the research into genetic illnesses and complications, I know that because of this research other families have not had to go through what we went through.

    Completely understand how you having been feeling and know that the daffodil card is going to be one amazing creations with so much love poured into it.

    Just know my friend that I am here for you if you need to talk, moan, rave or any other of the emotions that you are going through.

    Stay safe, healthy and happy, hugs, June Smith xxx

  4. My Dear Tina,
    I always though losing a husband would be the worse thing anyone could go through but after following Claire's pregnancy and then Evie's sad born sleeping birth....I feel tremendously lucky to have had my darling Clive for 47 years. I really don't know how you have come through it as along with all your friends who follow your beautiful blog, my heart broke that day when you posted the very sad news, but I know just by reading your blog every week and now reading what you have written today that you are such a strong knitted family and will help each other along life's path. You all will carry your beautiful Granddaughter in your hearts as I carry my beloved Clive. I really don't know what else I can say lovely lady but my thoughts and prayers are always with you and your dear daughter Claire and I do hope my post has made a little sense.
    God bless you dear friend

    Love and hugs Sheila xxxx

  5. hello Tina. I am also in bits reading your story. My daughter had several miscarriages and lost one full term
    before at 41 she went on to have 2 babies in one year the youngest being a bag of sugar but has she made up for it.
    My thought are with all your family and I also will think about you at Daffodil time. Mavis L x

  6. Dear Tina
    My Prayers and Thoughts are with you and all your Family and just wish i could give you all a big hug .
    God Bless Jeanie xxxx

  7. Another one whose heart breaks with yours. I could not bring myself to comment on your last post about Evie as I to have been in this place many years ago and sadly it brings it all back when it happens to someone else.

    Have thought about all of you such a lot and want to send you all gentle hugs. Ginny x

  8. Hi Tina, Missed you soooo much. My heart goes out to you and your family.If hugsand kisses could make it all better then I'm sending "sack loads" Mary from Durham xxx

  9. Hi Tina. It's lovely to hear from you but not under these awful circumstances. I have been thinking about you and your family over these past few weeks wondering how you are all coping and thanks to Stephanie she has kept us up to date. My thoughts and prayers are with you all and you take all the time you need as we will all still be here for you. Sending you all Big Hugs.
    Best Wishes.
    Denise T x

  10. Thank you for having the strength to do this post Tina, it must have been so difficult for you. What a beautiful and sensitive goodbye your lovely granddaughter had, you must feel so proud of your daughter and son in law. I couldn't read this without having some tears and counting my blessings. My love and hugs to you all. God Bless. Pat x

  11. This post has taken some strength to write, I am moved by every word. Your love for each other will help you cope. You hold each others hearts in your hearts and that will never change. Stay strong with love and hugs to you all. Theresa xxx

  12. Hi TIna,I know how hard this post must have been for you to write you have such a strength. It is so moving & from your heart.
    What a.beautiful fair well you gave your Gorgeous Grandaughter. You must be so very proud of Clare & Toby having such strength saying goodnight too Evie. I have thought of you so much TIna & felt some of your sadness. My thoughts & prayers are with you & all your family.l
    Lots of love & Hug's Lynda xx

  13. Dear Tina,
    How you have coped with everything you have had to deal with in the last few weeks I will never know! I have thought of you all so often!
    You have a lovely close family who love each other very much and I'm sure that has got you through so far! You will have good days and bad ones for a very long time and Claire and Toby have been totally amazing! My thoughts and prayers are still with each one of you. Your darling little granddaughter will never be forgotten.
    Please don't worry about me - so far as I am concerned I'm amazed you have taken the time and been given the strength to do this! I know you wouldn't leave anyone out - you are much too kind!!
    Sending you love and hugs! Myra xxxx

  14. Dear Tina, I am still here. I have been with you and your precious family in my thoughts and in my prayers. I can not imagine how you all have been able up to now to get through this great saddness in your lives. I want to thank you for sharing little Evie's life and her funeral. I know it took incredible strength to do so. So many tears and heartache. I feel Little Evie is so proud of all of you for the strength you have shown and the love shared by all. Please know I continue to care and you all are in my prayers. Hugs,

  15. I can only see enough through my tears to say "well done you have been so brave to do this" xxx

  16. Hello Tina, you have all been in my thoughts and prayers every day. The strength of your whole family has been amazing and no words that I say could possibly match your loving tribute.
    Love Maureen xx

  17. I am in floods of tears as I have just read your words. You have so eloquently written about something that is so devastating. my thoughts are with you all xxxx

  18. Hi Tina, we've all been here checking in on you every day to see if you were back with us yet and here you are, so pleased that you're back. How on earth you've managed to find the strength to share your words with us goodness knows.
    Take care, lots of hugs Angela xx

  19. Tina -
    So enormously moved at your words (tears falling too) and don't know how you have all had the strength to cope, but together you have found a way. You must be so proud of Claire and Toby. Have thought of you all so often in the last few weeks. My late Mum's name was Evelyn and so nice to see it used again, just wish .............
    Keep strong and sending hugs.

    'P' in Wales

  20. Dear Tina,
    I am really glad you're back again Tina, and my heart breaks when I read your very moving story and feel your pain and tears .
    You all said good night to little Evelyn in a beautiful and heartwarming ceremony.The strength of you all is amazing and you can be proud of such a wonderful daughter and her Toby,who said good night to Evelyn in such a wonderful way and you all carry Evie in your hearts forever.
    I am sure Tina the daffodil card is going to be your most beautiful creation with so much of your love for your grandchild put into it.

    Sending big hugs to you all .
    Love from H and Jane B.XXXX

  21. Hello Tina, Paul, Claire, Toby and Craig,

    what an amazing accomplishment for you to write this latest post Tina. With all of the heartache you and your precious family have gone through, you have showed tremendous strength, no wonder your Claire Bear has also shown tremendous strength, you are a true family unit all supporting each other.

    Little Evie is at peace now, she knows that she has this wonderful family who will love her for ever and she is waiting for you all on the other side of the rainbow, where one day you will all b e reunited. Claire and Toby are the most amazing parents and they have done their little girl proud.

    Every time I see a daffodil, hear the song Hello, read the story Guess How Much I Love You, I will remember little Evie and you all.

    Big hugs & loving thoughts to you all Tina. Thank you for your posts, as hard as they were for you to do.
    Love Pam (Hackett)

  22. Hi Tina.
    I'm amazed at u and ur family's strength. It brought back memories from when two of my best friends went through the same thing. On a happier note they both now have two lovely girls. My friend Mandy had hers 2 years and a day from her first daughters passing so it's a bitter sweet time as she calls it. And I still get upset for her every year.
    Anyhow I'm still blubbering away here trying to read and type when in tears isn't a good combo but I so feel for u all and ur words are so heartfelt by Us all.
    Sending u warm wishes as always xx

  23. Tina, I have tried so many times to e-mail you, I couldn't finish them let alone send them. I needed to let you and the family grieve, Evie will always have a place in all your hearts, she will never be forgotten. Writing what have on here will help you as I always say we all should let those who loose a loved one to be heard and not ignore. You finish your card no matter how long it takes you, we will still be here, we won't leave that's for sure. Your card will be the most stunning beautiful card, your heart will be put into it. Talk to Evie everyday, tell her what you have been doing and how you feel. I talk to my mum still after 47 years. I love the fact they have put her ashes in the back of the teddy and its on display too. (((()) hugs)))))) to you my friend. Look forward to seeing your beautiful card. Hazel xxx

  24. Tina, just read all your story with tears pouring down my face, Your daughter and son-in-law have so much love in their hearts and its heartbreaking they should be without their little Evie, I love how her ashes are inside the little bear, as she can be cuddled so much. Oh please take care of yourselves ((((((hugs))))))))))) in abundance to you all.
    Jean xx

  25. Tina, so beautiful I'm in tears again. Love to you all.
    Hugs Clare xx

  26. Dearest Tina, this has been such a tragic loss for you and your family. Tears are flowing for you again. Goodness, I can't remember the last time I cried so much for someone I don't really know. I guess I feel like I know you after following your blog for so long. You give such joy to others. I think Caire and Toby are simply amazing. My heart and love goes out to you all. About your card, gosh, I can't wait to see it. I feel like that might help the healing process for you, to share with us all. We are all so sorry for you loss, but it has given us an insight to what a beautiful person you are and what a beautiful family you have. Much love to you all and God Bless Evie xxxx

  27. So so sorry for this to happen to devoted Parents and Grand Parents , take comfort from the little bear Evie will always be with you.
    God Bless you all.
    Elaine H X

  28. Dear friend,
    Tina flower it has taken me a fortnight now to come on type this to you, as everytime i seen up above i was in floods of tears, not for me but for you and your family. I just wish that time could roll back to before Evie was due and it had turned out better this time, but unfortunately i can't and all i can do is send you my hugs, thoughts and prayers that time heals some of that gaping hole that has left a massive chasm in your hearts. Evie will always remain in that special part of your hearts forever more where nothing and no-one can take her place, i just hope and pray that as you accomplish each little step that it heals some of that heartache and pain. Sending you all my love dear friend and i will look forward to you coming back to us when you have healed some more.
    With love and hugs
    Norah (glenochil village)

  29. My Dear Tina,
    Just to let you know you and your lovely family are still in my thoughts and prayers. I miss you so much on your blog. Here's hoping things are getting a little easier for you and especially your darling Claire. Hope to see you back soon when you are feeling a bit brighter. God bless you and all your family.

    Love and gentle hugs
    Sheila xxxxxxx

  30. Dearest Tina, Just wondering how you are all getting on at this sad time. My thoughts are with you constantly - missing you. Love from Mary-Durham XXXX

  31. Hi dear ladies. The last time I spoke to Tina - about 2 weeks ago or there abouts, life had gotten harder for both herself and Claire. The deepest darkest cloud had engulfed them both and we're struggling with thoughts and feelings. I'm sure you are too but I'm so worried about them. Should Tina call I will continue to pass on your love, I text her every so often and when I don't hear back I know things arnt good, so I wait till she feels she needs to talk or rant bless her. I know for certain Tina feels blessed to have so many of you care. Xx 🌹

  32. dear Tina and Clare
    I am stil here and thinking of you both
    Godbless jeanie xxx

  33. Dear Tina

    I am a 'newbie' to your blog. I have read your 2 heart breaking posts and I am so sadden for you all. This is a very long road for you and your family to walk but some day the pain will lessen a little. You and your family will, naturally never ever forget this little treasure Evie but the pain will, eventually, lessen slightly

    Now when I see daffodils my thoughts will immediately be of you, your family and Evie and the pain and shock you are having to bear

    June x